Being born a Female

Did you say… you feel its a curse to be born a Female? A girl? A daughter? A woman?

Am I a feminist? Well yes and no.. Depends on how you give the definition of a Feminist.

A journey of 2 months changed my perceptive of thinking towards being born a Female, being a girl, a daughter and finally to be a woman.

The realization that, a woman is not just a word that the men can use to dominate but woman is actually a wow version of man.. Woo! – Man

As crazy as it sounds its actually true,

Experiencing that moments to capture the womanhoodness among the people of Namjung village in Gorkha made me absolutely astonished and proud to say – Yes females are worth it!!

The 2 month volunteering was not just building the handwashing stations and improving the water facilities out there, it was to learn how Age isn’t a barrier if you have that will to do something.

Sure enough we were in that community where youths were hugely absent, just the people above 35 age. No denying we youths had a hard time doing the tasks of building stations but still it was a surprise to watch the zeal of even the old women and men carry heaps of sand, cements, rocks all the way up and down the hills on their barren crackling feets.

Taking up time from their daily chores, the way women came to help us kids was a appreciative moment. Maybe their hands were soiled in buffalo dungs, they were with unique grass cutting tools (Hasiya) in their hands, carring huge amounts of fodders for their cattle they never failed to put up a smile and inspire us- No matter how tired they themselves were. Just a small rock maybe- But their kindness was large enough for us to work harder and give them a piece of happiness in seeing their community develop a bit.

Sad part was – there weren’t much people to see what the women could really do.

Nepal, that country with diverse and unique culture and rich traditions yet it falls under that lacking capability to recognize the equality between men and women.

Women are dominated by men – considered weaker,even at some point my perceptive was similar..yes, women are a bit weaker than men. But after the time out there in Gorkha – my perceptive changed to – Really? Women are a bit weaker than men? Who says???

I realize it is the women themselves that under estimate themselves and stay being self dominated rather than men dominated. Somewhere its their own fault that they chose to stay in this way. But somewhere its not completely their fault, because the society doesn’t allow them to lift themselves up.

The way we got astonished by their physical and mental power to balance all the works, they were astonished seeing us young girls coming out a long way – unmarried and educated and almost independent and working our sweat off to help people who we didn’t even know.

It was a win-win situation, where one complimented the other female.

Perhaps it is just my personal feeling or perhaps it really did change… In the era of 2 months I felt, there certainly came a change in women perceptives living out in thar rural part of the country to think… Really? ARE WOMEN WEAKER THAN MEN?

So now when I am standing with the breeze of the air of my urban city ruffle through my hair, I drift back to those days where I cherish the pride in being a female and secretly woo myself and every single other women for being born what they have… A FEMALE indeed.

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A joke of lies

And why would’nt life seem dark?

Darker than the colour black could be

The angering clouds intensifing the thunder

The raindrops pelleting right down at me

I wish an umbrella could save me though

From the clashes of sounds people whisper around

I wish I could shut off to that crowd

Where I’m so lost but nobody hears me cry out loud

I wish I could dance free out in the rain

Yet that strings instruct me to move

Move in a way, that gives me freedom- NO just Pain..

I wish my words would speak my language

Yet I find myself utter something so different

Yet the words seems to bring smiles on faces

Because thats all that the people had wanted to hear

I wish my eyes visioned that path of happiness

Yet I find there are stony walls of obligations everywhere

Cannot I see the blissful ending even with my spects

I see only that what the people make me dream of nightmare

I wish I could walk towards the way to any paradise

Yet paradise doesn’t seem so easy to get to

The tickets to get there- cannot I afford

And waiting for my chance- I bet i would already meet the Lord

I wish I could smile all the time anywhere

But life doesn’t seem to offer me that miracle yet

The tears seem to fight off my tiny big eyes

Reminding me this world itself is a joke smiling in lies…

– Lirisha

Thank you from above

Swishhh.. swishhh.. came a tiny bit of flake of a paper written “thank you”, rustling with the wind, inside the window pane and landing on my lap.

The bus stopped just then- so did my breath. It was scrawled in a tiny childish writing – hardly readable. But I saw it alright and i read it too.

The word started to blur and the sounds surrounding me became a buzz to my ears.. I looked at the entwined hands of him and me- in blur..

I recalled back to our days of starting of love.. hands entwined and strings of hearts knotted together.. I was 18 he was 20- our smiles were infinite.

Our eyes spoke the words of love, heart throbbed with the desire of love. From awkward hugs to missing hugs.. From just a peck on the cheeks to intense love so it went..

Tangling in his arms became a safe heaven for me.. listening and remaking our talks for future became the favourite story to see..

When we grow old what shall we be? Together the children and grand children, you and then me..

A year and two gone.. my 20th birthday- his special gift for me. That ring sparkling on my pale skin promising a lifetime of togetherness. That feel of emotion and love hovering in the air- united us together and forever to our souls and hearts..

Then came the moment of unexpected event- to realize that I had gotten pregnant!

There was that moment of happiness a month ago and then here comes that moment so unexpected to us.

The fault was our- we got carried away in love. Neither we thought of safety nor we planned. His job was just started- not enough for to support a baby. As for myself – I was still a student – how could I manage a child?

A big question mark as to what to do?

Abortion was the only solution- question was how?

Abortion at the correct time- we had to decide just now?

Was the local hospital good enough? Would my tiny muchikin be safe?

Safe! That was what we exactly needed to focus upon.. we failed to do so once and the mistake shall not repeat again..

Despite the yearning we would have to take the safe step.. safe abortion for our safe future..

The bus started again.. and I felt his hand squeezing mine slightly watching my face in silence. I brushed my tears and looked into his and smiled.

His smile followed- hesitant yet it was there whispering silent words of thank you.

Thank you for being strong it said.. Thank you for giving him hope to recreate future together again..

My smile spoke words of thank you as well.. Thank you for supporting me all through. Thank you for the love and hardship together we have been through.

I felt the crumpled paper in my other hand. Perhaps I was wrong or maybe its just my imagination.. But I felt the thank you was from my muchikin above..

Thanking us for keeping him/her safe.. thanking us despite the fact he/she couldn’t see the world- safely did it go up above in heaven.

I put the paper in my bag and resting my head on the heaven of strong shoulder, with content safe smile on my face, riding the safe bus ride back home, thinking- I took my safe step to my future with a SAFE ABORTION, did you?

Overthink

Isnt it strange how sometimes its like you just temd to see a big big problem looming in front of you?

All the paths now in darkness.. no light to show where tge shining way of happy and free world is in…

The demon of tension goes on building its house in that plateau of your brain… 1 storey..2… 3… and much more taller than the Effiel tower itself…

Talking of balance of that house of tension demons.. well surprisingly its made of concrete cement called as Self-Thoughts that holds it right upto the very top…

The house is being made but its a magical one where the demon can be seen only by you… and also the progress of the storeys of the house adding up…

You try telling others the house exists… but in vain…

People would either give a damn… or if they do care – well they would acknowlege your ‘fantasy story’ as politely as possible… in short even they wouldnt give a damn of what big house you are trying to tell them about…

Then comes that moment of disaster… The earthquake of Realization from the epicenter of the core of the mind…

The curse of love

Perhaps she was right,

She always was and so is now

I was born on that cursed night

With a cursed heart and a cursed mind

It wasn’t so true before

Or maybe it was me who didn’t notice

Day by day here my silence reigns

And I start underatanding life has much more curses to say..

It was all right or so I imagined

I was blessed to be born out here

But it was hard to know I was wrong

And she was right

Everything is pure and blessed

Except me- A dark spot in the white..

The drapes of white forever in life

Is what I get of loving someone- just once

Not a smile, not a bubble of joy

Everything plain and plain just white

Perhaps a bit color wouldn’t have hurt

But no! I am cursed!

It has to hurt

No wonder love stranded me so deep

Alone.. alone.. alone..

I have all life to cherish

With curses and endless tears to weep..

There must have been my fault somewhere

For why would i be cursed just like that?

I ask her again and again

But only answer is silence…

One more curse to my agonized pain..

I watch the blessed ones pass by

Cursing me? Or perhaps my broken life..

I am incapable of love perhaps

Always alone.. alone.. alone..

Being nobody’s lover nor anybody’s wife.

Where can I free my curse?

I want to know really bad

But who has the answer to my question?

Well nobody.. and this truth has me all hopeless and mad…

I shan’t want to die -loveless

For i know i can love as well

But who’d give a cursed one that love?

It’s again with an answer no one can tell….